Where’d She Go?
If you’ve been following along on my little space of the blogosphere, you would have noticed that for about two months there has been … nothing. “Where’d she go?” you may have wondered. “Did Hebrews12Endurance.com join the scores of blogs that have been abandoned?” “Did Ami lose interest?”
Well, yes and no.
I would love to tell you that I spent the past two months deeply immersed in Bible studies. I would love to say that I was taking time off to rejuvenate. But, no. I was just burnt out. I spent the past two months (or more) in a funk.
I felt so flustered and so overwhelmed and lost that all I could do was stop. Even now as I write, I’m struggling through the layers of fog because I fear that if I don’t fight through it, I’ll be buried forever.
I may have hinted at it before but the client that I work for during the day had decided not to renew their contract with us. At first, I felt … relief and joy. Then I felt worried.
How was I going to pay my bills?
What was going to happen to my family when we only had one income coming in?
Speaking about faith and living it are two absolutely different things.
Just when I had come to terms with not having a job and taking a much-needed break to try something new – the client decided to extend the contract. For another six months. Maybe as much as an additional 18 months.
And the tailspin began again.
Was this God? I questioned.
Had he seen my fear and decide that he was giving me a bit more time to make a decision?
Or was it a test of faith? Is he testing me? What should I do? Take a leap or continue as if it was business as usual?
I have changed my mind so many times that my brain finally just shut down and refused to process anything else. But when my brain sunk into the fog so did my drive, my creativity, my words, even my love of being in the Word…. It’s been a dark couple of months.
I’m still not in a place where I feel motivated and driven. But sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do in spite of how you feel.
So, tell me: what have you been doing these past two months? What do you do when you can’t figure out God’s will for your life? What would you do in my situation?